Divorce – Parental role

“Kaki pilla Kakiki muddu”, is an old adage in Telugu which means ‘even if the child is ugly it is adorable to it’s parent’. Proving that right are the present generation of parents about any dispute in a marital relationship. It is necessary to support our children when they are facing a disagreement of minds after leading a married life with their spouse. Can this support be blind or can we be blinded to the reality by covering up our child’s own short comings.

First thing parents do now a day’s, is to come and take a protective stance, it may be necessary, however, will have to be revised on a rational basis. Many a case of divorce instead of reconciliation is due to the tough stand taken by the parents than the couple themselves.

Having developed a liking to each other and due to some random or regular disputes people face the discontent in a marriage. During this period ‘liking’ takes a back seat and most of the time parental pressure doesn’t allow the couple to think and act rationally. In the olden days where joint families were the order of the day, these kind of situations were talked out and people were made to see reason etc.

But today’s nuclear family situation makes things more difficult. With the increased acceptance of the word ‘Divorce’ there is very little tolerance to each others shortcomings. No doubt two people come together with very little understanding of each other, then start accommodating each other. If there is a level of less tolerance on any one side the bickering starts in a marriage. Sometimes it is money (too much or very little of it), Attitudes, personalities, Behaviour etc. what ever may be the cause the result today is break-up.

I recently read a quote “Successful marriage is a union of two forgivers”, how correct it is. If we don’t forgive our own partner then what else is expected. Most of the times understanding between the couple is very insufficient, while in some other cases the momentary bursts which cause disharmony. I heard of a case where one divorcee was looking for a new job for it’s ex partner, now is it not strange when you consider they had a very bitter marriage, when it lasted, always fighting. Could this marriage been saved, only the erstwhile couple or it’s parents can comment.

A divorce becomes more painful when it involves minor children. For their sake if the divorce is inevitable it should be a mutual rather than a bitterly fought out one. Grand parents of the children will have to be very careful with their comments, while supporting their respective wards. Children, who are very sensitive, can quickly develop hatred when they hear wrong remarks about their parents by the grand parents in particular.

Bad mouthing the son/daughter-in-law is the given thing for the parents. Some times it might actually make their own ward feel distant towards them, as the ward believes their comments are in-appropriate. Some times there is lot of pressure on the ward to go through with the divorce, so that they can bring in a more amenable spouse for their ward, can some one guarantee this, no way.

First step of intervention is when parents notice certain amount discontent towards each other. Make the move, have a honest chat with the couple separately. Do not get blinded by love towards your own ward. If you see some merit in the spouse’s side of the version then be prepared to talk it out with your own ward. Make genuine effort to reconcile and make the couple see reason. Talk it out with the sambandhi’s and involve them too. However do not make the adage ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’ come true.

If divorce is inevitable try and make it mutual one rather than a contested one, lawyer’s make you say things (only to make the case stronger) which you might have never even considered saying. In case there are children involved make sure their future is well thought out, one would not like to see their own grand child hitting the streets.

Very few marriages have the chance to succeed if not for the understanding and forgiveness of the couple towards each other. While love is always there once they come together, it gets forgotten in the fit of anger. Push the love to the front and lead a happy married life, as I said earlier there is no guarantee of light at the end of the tunnel.